Valentine’s Day

Posted in stories by anna on February 16, 2009

Dear Future Husband,

My name is Allie Fitzgerald and I am twelve years old and if you’re reading this that means we are married! And if we’re married that means you probably have to pretend to like my mom, if my mom isn’t dead yet. Sorry about that.

I hope we didn’t meet in college. My sister met her husband in college and now he’s in Minneapolis and she’s on eHarmony. I hope we met at a museum or at a bar because that’s how it is in movies.

Are you rich? I don’t really care either way, because money can’t buy happiness. But it doesn’t hurt, my mom always whispers in my ear when people say that. Like I said, I don’t care about that.

Did we get married on top of a skyscraper like I wanted?

And I probably don’t have a say, but can you be tall and have green or blue eyes? Because I have brown eyes and if you have brown eyes then our kids will definitely have brown eyes and that’s boring.

Can you be funny, and not loud stupid funny or mean funny but just funny funny? And nice to waiters? And let me name our kids (Connor and Ellie)?

Please don’t make me look like the mean mommy when I make Connor re-do his math homework when he gets half the long-division questions wrong.

Don’t go away on business trips to the branch office in Kansas City, because I’ll be lonely. And if you have to go away, can you send me on a scavenger hunt in our house or mail me coded messages on Post-Its in order to keep me busy so that I don’t worry about other women in other bars and other museums?

Please don’t tell me when you get back from Kansas City that you’ve met someone in Kansas City.

Especially if she’s a 22-year-old poetry MFA candidate named Jennica—which isn’t a name, by the way.

Can you not already have hired a mediator to figure out whose is what in the settlement, including Connor and Ellie who like you better because I made Connor learn long-division?

And when we have that last fight, can we make sure that Connor and Ellie are at school or with the nanny instead of huddled upstairs in their room sharing an iPod and waiting for the shouting to end?

Can I keep the house? Because you’ve already put a down payment on a smaller one and bought a flat-screen that you say is for the kids when it’s really for you.

Actually, please have brown eyes. And you can be a little funny, enough to make me laugh for the first couple years, but don’t be the kind of funny I’d stay in love with. Please be short, and a bad tipper.

Can you make sure to take all of your ties off the back of the closet door, so that I don’t have to remember you every time I look in the closet?

And when you leave for the last time please be quiet when you shut the door behind you, so I don’t have to turn away from the news and see you go, even though I know you are.


Allie Fitzgerald


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