ANNA WRITES STORIES.

Facebook Magic

Posted in Uncategorized by anna on April 21, 2009

Erica Wexler’s Facebook is a work of art. Every 2 minutes there’s a fresh full-page influx of wall posts from her Facebook friends asking questions – about class presentations or whether they should get side-bangs or if they should hang out with that cute guy from recitation. And Erica’s better at responding than most people, who give it the requisite 2-hour wait to look “cool” before writing a wall post back. She’s decidedly on top of her Facebook shit.

But Erica Wexler’s dead, is the thing.

She died of alcohol poisoning last fall at a Halloween party at Zeta Tau Alpha, dressed like Britney Spears in the music video for “Oops, I Did It Again.” She curled up on the couch where people threw their coats and died, by the paramedics’ approximate estimation, four hours after she finished half a bottle of Jack and texted her boyfriend: “heyyy im drunlk where are you?” (He was on a beer run.)

Not a lot of us knew Erica because she was a freshman and a pledge. She was from Short Hills or something, her parents owned an appliance business or something. She had a boyfriend named Patrick who smoked menthols outside SAMI frat during parties and turned people away when they weren’t fulfilling the appropriate boy-girl ratio for admission (3 chicks for 1 dick on standard occasions).

“My phone was on silent,” Patrick would say flatly when anyone was rude enough to ask, which at parties was a lot, and take a drag of his menthol, and go help the boys haul buckets of liquid Jell-O into the backyard for that night’s rager. It was spring by now, which was Jell-O wrestling season.

Patrick Dixon miss you every day babe.

4:53pm · Comment

 

Erica Wexler  thanks, don’t bang that frosh in your recitation, she has the herp

4:55pm · Comment

 

Right after the memorial service in Short Hills, which nobody went to because it was midterms, was when Erica started answering the Facebook posts. Right out of the gate the Wexlers got pissed that someone was hacking, but nobody’d care enough to hack, and her eighth-grade-sister Jenny swore up and she didn’t know Erica’s password. So the Wexlers started talking to the university about an investigation.

But the nature of the responses were almost inexplicable.

Lisa Pauline was Erica’s ZTA big sister. She’s a quiet Dean’s List junior who sleeps in her pearl earrings and is applying to grad school for social work. Within the ZTA house walls she’s known as the “Hellmaster.” She made the pledges stay up for 72 hours in the basement separating Fruit Loops by color. She made them take off their underwear, sit on paper towels and watch pornography until the paper towels were proven to be damp.

“There’s no hazing,” Lisa would giggle nonchalantly as she  walked to the dining hall. “Why, has anyone like… said anything?”

Erica Wexler FYI ur not going to get into penn grad but ull get into ramapo.

10:35 pm · Comment


Lisa Pauline  What?

11:01 am · Comment

 

Erica Wexler low GRE.. so penn waitlisted, ramapo accepted.

11:02 am · Comment

 

Lisa Pauline I got my waitlist letter today. Not sure what’s going on here. But ZTA misses you 😦

7:35pm · Comment


Erica Wexler  ..yea.

4:53pm · Comment


Erica Wexler was still dead. Obviously. But now there was Facebook magic.

Within a month all the Greeks on campus knew about Erica Wexler’s Facebook and everyone started asking questions. The responses came, fast and reliable. She informed us of the status of our grad school applications, and the shortest way to get from Ridgewood to Princeton, and to how to make guys’ cum taste better. She was a Magic 8 Ball, Mapquest, Yahoo Answers and WebMD.

She was way more useful than she was when she was alive.

She was also way more popular. There was a 2-page memorial spread in the Falcon and a vigil outside ZTA instead of the usual 2-for-2 Thursday party, attended by about 500 people. Over half the girls partying on Frat Row this Halloween were dressed like Britney Spears in the music video for “Oops, I Did It Again.”

It was mostly for the benefit of the Wexlers, who were still pissed. They launched this whole search of the on-campus comp labs, trying to track down the IP address, but it was different every time. The only explanation was that some small-time hacker was making a cross-country roadtrip, fucking with us but helping us at the same time for a reason that nobody could seem to figure out.

And then, there was always the other explanation.

 

Jenny Wexler  if this is you, I miss you.

6:11pm · Comment

 

Erica Wexler be careful at seths party. there are condoms in the turtle-shaped box in his parents’ room but don’t do anything retarded.  i love you.

6:12pm · Comment

 

Eventually the Wexlers stopped looking for answers. Erica’s graduation yearbook quote, right under the glossy picture where she’s awkwardly holding a rose, was “I get by with a little help from my friends.”  So, she has 24,289 of them now. And she posthumously got into ZTA, which we think she really would have appreciated.

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